Theodore John “Teddy” Dahm

We have a 5-year-old sunshine baby and my husband and I have always known we wanted to give her a sibling. When she was 2, we became pregnant. When she turned 3 and we were 9 weeks along with pregnancy #2, we learned the baby wasn't growing properly and ultimately wouldn't make it. We waited for that blessed heartbeat to stop so we could have a D&C, which occurred at 12 weeks gestation on Sept 11, 2014. We don't know the gender of our child, but I believe he was a boy and we call him Benjamin. I went into a deep depression and grieved alone with no support. It was a very dark time in my life. I was able to pull myself out of it and build my strength back through an online fitness community that focused on the practice of Self Care.  I became a coach and helped others improve their health and happiness.  It was through my miscarriage and grief that I found my purpose to help others.

We tried to get pregnant again after Christmas 2014 and it took us 7 months to conceive pregnancy #3. My pregnancy was uneventful and serene.  Genetic testing came back normal and we learned our baby would be a boy!  Our daughter would have a little brother!  Our family would be complete with our girl and our boy!  We were all elated and everyone prepared for the newest member of our family to join us.  I exercised daily, ate well, got plenty of rest and felt that my baby was thriving.  Once we entered our third trimester, I began prenatal yoga, prepared for labor and delivery and decorated the nursery that had been empty and waiting for this baby for two years. On Feb 29, the day after my 33^rd birthday, I noticed decreased fetal movement. I counted kick cycles and went to my doctor’s office to be monitored the next day. In office they could find no heartbeat and I was sent to Missouri Baptist for an ultrasound. 

It was that ultrasound, the place we had received sad news 18 months prior, where my husband and I learned our baby boy had died. It was the single most painful moment of my life to learn that he had passed away. To go from happiness and hope to debilitating despair...a part of me died with my baby boy that day. We left the ultrasound bereft and went home to digest this new reality, call family, pick our daughter up from preschool, deliver the heartwrenching news to her that her baby brother died, and pack our bags for our induction that same night.  Theodore John or “Teddy” was born still at 11:20pm on March 2, 2016 at 30 weeks gestation.  He weighed 2lbs 5oz and was 14 ½ inches long.  The autopsy gives no cause of death and indicated that Teddy had died more than a week before we learned of his death.  It gives me comfort to know that the last thing he heard was my heart beating with love for him.  We stayed with him for two days before saying goodbye.  His funeral and burial took place on a sunny Friday, March 11, with a train passing by as his mother, father, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins sang “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands.”

Since his death and birth, my husband, daughter and myself have gone to therapy, support groups, family grief counseling and done the grief work day by day as a means to survive. While it is a dark time, unlike the wake of Benjamin’s miscarriage, Teddy’s stillbirth is filled with lots of light from all the support and connections with other families. I feel like our first loss was a stepping-stone for our second loss because I now know what doesn’t serve me and have learned what can help. I am learning to cope with, instead of numb, my grief. I have the knowledge and experience of positive daily Self Care habits that can help me manage my grief; getting adequate sleep, eating nutritious food, daily exercise and mediation practice, etc.  Finally, I feel like I am beginning to understand the concept of Self Compassion-- which is absolutely something I have never known.  It feels impossible some days. Other days I am surprised at how peaceful I feel.  I know that my grief won’t ever leave me, so I try to view it as a way to mother my beloved son, Teddy. 

Angela & Jonathan Dahm